Repetition

I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I have shot and shot and shot all week. Repetition is the main goal for this week’s module, including all the formal elements of unity. I think this idea to repeat things is exactly what I am trying not to do in every other aspect in my life making this freaking assignment pull my fucking hair out. I have so many little worlds in my head ready to be created, except I’m exhausted trying to find all the exact materials I need. The biggest issue is space. I have a studio that I could use more- but it’s an awkward space with even more weird people walking in and out, but alas I will have to utilize it this week. One world I’ve been contemplating exploring is sex/love/lust within a visual language that isn’t exploitative- it’s really hard to find a model I can evolve those ideas with without it getting, real? I don’t want to use random people. So, that’s out unless I find “a-one” within the next 12 hours, unlikely. The other idea I’m working on is a play on an alice in wonderland subject with a religious twist and subtext. I had such a hard time at Kaylie’s funeral (not the vigil) where the priest was repeating this notion that she is “fine” now, like she has to be resolved for the way she left her life. It literally gave me a panic attack thinking about her “walking with god” – it’s just did not work with who she was nor did I need to be reassured that she was in a better place, relieved of her inner anguish- I was fully aware of that actuality already. Plus he called her Hayley at one point- yeah. The only thing he said I think she’d agree with is when he referred to her as Saint Kaylie. Wendy and I had a good laugh at that. So anyway, this self-portrait has me obviously fading into the wall- which has totally been done a billion times over. And I am not sure I brought anything new to it? Actually, I think I brought a truthful feeling into visual form expressing how the last few weeks (months) have felt for me- like I am half the person I used to be (and just for right now). I am shifting like whoa, and just need a break, a hug, a love! Let’s aim for me to move to San Francisco by next summer! Holler.